BASEketball Nights
by Adema
Summary: What would happen if Coop and Remer became vampires? From the movie BASEketball
1. BASEketball Nights, prt 1

_This and more can be found at the Trey Parker and Matt Stone Movie Fanfic Website. And yes, this is **my** creation. Check the emails. Google or Yahoo! to find it. I can't post links here. You can also check my profile for the address._

* * *

BASEketball Nights   
Written by Lavonne Eudy 

* * *

Part One 

Nothing on TV, as usual, Coop thought as he was flipping through the channels off and on through every show that held promise of being allowed to stay put. But he would become equally bored--and within the same time limit--with everything and was soon surfing again. 

Soon there was a knock on his door. He looked toward his left, trying to decide who would call this time of night. He arose from the sofa and went over to investigate. 

"Oh, I was wondering when you were going to get home," Coop said when he saw Remer standing there. 

"The most fucked-up shit just happened to me tonight." He entered the door, clawing an itchy spot on the left side of his neck. "I met this chick, and..." He looked up to see if Coop was listening, but in fact, he wasn't. He didn't say a thing. Remer's eyes fell on him furiously. He then just threw his coat across the room and headed off to bed. Before he slammed the door, Coop said, "What was that fucked-up shit that happened to you, tonight?" But there was no answer. He shrugged and took another sip of his beer.   


  


  


Coop's alarm rung him from a dream filled with Beer's cheerleaders, who were touching, probing, doing things that he only wished they could do. He picked up the alarm and threw it across the room. 

"Fucking morning game," he said, then checked his watch. After he showered, brushed his teeth and got dressed, he came to Squeak's room. 

"Bitch, it's Seven a.m.," he said. Squeak barely nudged as he pointed his thumb up to indicate that he heard Coop. Considering his mission seen to with Squeak, Coop went to Remer's room next. 

"Dude, it's seven a.m. We have to hit the trains to play Dakota tonight." Remer didn't budge. 

"Remer?" he said walking up to him. When he turned him over, he saw that Remer was deathly white with such shallow breathing, it was like he wasn't breathing at all. 

"You want me to call in sick for ya?" Finally Remer moved a little, as he nodded a slow, painful "Yes." 

Coop ran into a fully-dressed Squeak who then asked about Remer. 

"He's, like, sick or something," Coop replied. 

"Bullshit! He's probably just hung-over!" Then he walked into Remer's room and slammed the door. Coop heard, though muffled, the slightest: 

"You're not sick, asshole! We had to drag our asses out of bed and you are too!--Wait, what the fuck're you--AGGGGGGGG!" 

Coop looked at his watch. "Hurry up, damnit," he said to himself. Just then Remer came through the door with something red on his lips and running down his mouth. 

"Goddamnit, Remer, I told you to stop getting my tootsie pops! You feeling better already?" 

"Totally," he said smiling. His teeth were stained suddenly. "You ready to go?" Coop looked at him strangely. 

"Yeah, as soon as you brush your teeth, dude." Then he pushed up his satchel as he said, "Where's Squeak?" 

"He suddenly came down with something. Said he felt drained." Coop looked at his watch again, perhaps allowing a moment of concern for Squeak, but... 

"Fuck it, we gotta go." Remer nodded and they both left the house and headed for the train station.   
  
"How much longer is this supposed to take?" Coop asked as he looked out of the window. "I thought we'd be there by now." When there was no answer, he turned to see Remer and saw that he was asleep and was also wearing sunglasses. He punched at him instantly. 

"Wake up, asshole! You can't sleep!" 

"Why the fuck not!" Remer responded. 

"Dude, I'm fucking bored. If you sleep, I won't have anyone to talk to." 

"Piss up a flagpole," Remer said turning away from him and going back to sleep. Coop flipped him off and returned his gaze to the window at his right. "This fucking sucks," he said to himself. Just then another player, Randy, came by him. 

"Hey, dude, you mind if I sit over there with you guys," he said noticing that he was parking at another table full of other teammates. Randy didn't hear him, so he bent up closer. Just as Coop was about to repeat himself, Randy was suddenly grabbed by Remer and then bitten into. Blood began to pour down the side of Remer's neck. Randy screamed. 

"Goddamnit, Remer!" he said angrily. "The minute I talk to someone else, you have to go and fucking kill them?!" Just then, Randy fell over dead. 

"You know he's been voted most valuable player this month," Coop said as Remer wiped his mouth. "If we lose this fucking game tonight, I'm holding *you* personally responsible!" Then he sat back huffed up with his hands crossed over each other and said to himself, "Asshole!"   


  



	2. BASEketball Nights, prt 2

_This and more can be found at the Trey Parker and Matt Stone Movie Fanfic Website. And yes, this is **my** creation. Check the emails. Google or Yahoo! to find it. I can't post links here. You can also check my profile for the address._

* * *

BASEketball Nights   
Written by Lavonne Eudy 

* * *

Part Two The train stopped sometime around five p.m. Remer was still sleepy, but he was able to walk around enough. Coop was tired of propping him anyway. They met with the bus soon after and was taken to the coliseum. The other team was up first, since they were the home team. Remer was chosen to do the psyche-out. 

"The Beers have had an incredible winning streak. But this will be the first time in two years that they're going up against Dakota," one announcer said. Then he turned it over to the second. 

"And we all know what a good streak that The Dakota Assholes have had as well. If anyone could break their streak, it's The Assholes." 

"Right you are, Bob." 

The Asshole shooter, Jimmy Greg came up to bat. He studied the basket well before he got ready to strike. 

"The Beers seemed to have run into a bit of bad luck on the way to this game," added the other announcer as he awaited the throw from the Asshole player. "It seems that their most valuable player was mysteriously killed on the way up to Dakota." 

"So I've heard, Bob," said the other. "Rumors are flying as to the type of killing this was. But the autopsy reports indicate a severe and instant loss of blood--He's getting ready to shoot!" 

The ball made a neat and quiet swoop threw the air, as suddenly Remer pounced on Jimmy. His ghastly screams took place of the sound of the swish the ball made as it went into the basket. 

"An unexpected Psyche-out from Remer. But much too late. We await the umpire's call on that one." 

The umpire was reviewing the screen as Remer attacked Jimmy Greg of The Assholes. Then he returned and shook his head. The psyche out made no difference. 

"It looks like The Assholes are going to take home the first score tonight," said the first announcer. 

"It certainly appears that way, Dave," said the second announcer. Officials went to the mound and pulled Remer off of the shaking body. Jimmy Greg was still alive--barely. They took Remer back to his team dugout, and the others patted him on the back for a nice effort. 

"I should have thought of that," Coop said looking at the poor Asshole being taken away in a stretcher. He saw on the score board that he was up now for the psyche-out. He made discreet movements as the Asshole who was up to bat was steadying his shot. Then Coop turned around and had an apparent and severe erection. 

"It looks like Coop is going for the classic hard-on psyche-out, Dave," said the second announcer. "Patented back in 1999, Coop's most well-known and potent psyche-out to date." 

Coop eased toward the Asshole as his arms went up for the shot and brushed his erection against his hip as he said, 

"Oops, sorry about that." The ball flew over the garage and was caught by a Beers fan. 

"It seems the classics never die, Dave," said Bob.

Top of the ninth. The Assholes were tied with The Beers. However, the next shot was going to determine the win on either side. If The Assholes miss the shot, they would go into sudden death and whoever got the next point would win the game. 

David Ramsey was the next Asshole up to the plate. Coop looked at Kevin, a player up for the psyche-out, and said, "All right" as he patted him on the shoulder, "I have a sweet psyche-out I've been saving just for this moment." He pulled Kevin closer and whispered it to him. Kevin smiled as the details spewed, nodding with enthusiasm. 

Kevin approached his spot holding a tape recorder. "Hey, Ramsey," he said. "We got your mom and dad on tape fucking like dirty pigs. Wanna hear?" He pushed the play button down. It wasn't actually Ramsey's parents, but the psychology was plenty. 

__

"Oh yes, fuck me harder, you animal!" the recorder played. _"I want you fucking my love hole like it's the last pussy you'll ever have!"_ Then a man's voice entered the grunts and cries. _"I love it when we're fucking in little Davy's bed!"_ The Asshole stared at it, sickened, stunned. Then he dropped backward in a faint. 

"Unbelievable psyche-out by Kevin Griff!" Bob said. He turned to his right to get further commentary. Dave's eyes were incredulous. He was blanched. 

"T-Those...are _my_ parents," he said. 

Bob drew his eyes slowly toward the play again. "The game is now in sudden death," he said in dramatic even-ness. "If The Beers can make this shot, they win the game. If not... Then the Assholes will get the point by default. The crowd has hushed. Dave, have you ever seen such tension?" 

He looked back at Dave. He still remained in the same horror-stricken shape as last time. "Mommy?..." he said. "M-My...bed?" 

"Bob drew right back to the play. "Coop steps up..." 

"All my life they had me convinced I was a bed-wetter," Dave said. "All my life! But it was them all along!" 

Bob drifted his eyes back to Dave. "Eeeew-ah!" he said. 

Coop was getting ready to take his shot. As the Asshole was getting ready to make his psyche-out, Remer pushed past him and lunged for Coop as the ball just left his hands. They hit the ground at the same time, with Remer on top, Coop struggling, and The Asshole dumb-founded. Before Remer could bite him, Coop kneed him hard between his legs. Remer slipped off of Coop, clutching his groin. 

The board read that he was psyched out and The Assholes took home the win by default since they were the last to make a score before going into sudden death. 

"A strange turn of events," Bob said as it went back to the play by play, "but Coop Cooper has just been psyched out by his own teammate. It's even cost them the win!" 

"Aaaaaaahhhhh!" Coop said, as the Assholes began to celebrate. Then he looked at Remer. "Goddamn it, Remer, what the hell was *that* all about!?" Remer, who was laying face-down began to float off the ground. His eyes were burning red and he had his mouth opened, hissing like a snake, and full of sharp teeth. 

"I fucking asked you a question, cock!" Coop said. 

"Bllllooooood!" Remer moaned. 

"Y-You know what!" Coop said as he came back up to his feet. "I'm just a little too pissed off at you to even talk to you right now." Then he shot around, his finger pointed to Remer adding, "And for-_get_ about getting a ride home on the bus, either!" He then stormed out of the field. 

The rest of the team caught up with Coop. 

"I'm just talking," he said, "but... does Remer seem to be acting weird or anything to anyone else?" 

The rest of the team made slight vocal agreement that couldn't be denied. 

"He, like, totally tried to kill me, I think," said Coop. 

"Look, Coop, who isn't?" said another player. 

Coop's brows knitted. "The point is," he continued, "we should keep an eye on him till he gets normal again." Just then the bus arrived. The hiss alerted the team to board. They all piled on as Coop looked back. He began to wonder if there wasn't a reasonable explanation for Remer's actions. "I'll be back," he said getting off the bus and walking back to the stadium. When he arrived inside, the place had cleared entirely. The fans, the chickens, the cleaning people--including Remer as well. Coop shrugged then went back to the bus. 

  



	3. BASEketball Nights, prt 3

_This and more can be found at the Trey Parker and Matt Stone Movie Fanfic Website. And yes, this is **my** creation. Check the emails. Google or Yahoo! to find it. I can't post links here. You can also check my profile for the address._

* * *

BASEketball Nights   
Written by Lavonne Eudy 

* * *

Part Three 

Coop had made it home before midnight. He wasn't tired, so he opened a book to read and fall asleep by. "Bram Stoker's 'Dracula.'" 

Just as he turned the third page, he heard a noise in the kitchen. He shrugged it off and kept reading. Soon the sound of a cat meowing drifted from the window outside. Coop turned to it for a second, then back to the book. As he turned to the fifth page, a rustling was heard over by the same window. This time only his eyes moved from the book, looking around sheepishly and tense. 

The seventh page was almost read, and soon a droning and subtle moan flowed from the outside. The wind, maybe?... Coop rose from the bed and crept over to the window. Strange hands came up from the outside, but Coop slammed the window down before he saw it. He heard an unusual wail of pain, but shrugged it off and went back to reading. 

As he made it to page eight, his eyes flew open with this quick and insightful thought that entered his mind. He flew out of the bed, holding the book, and burst into Squeak's room. 

"Dude, I've figured out what's wrong with Remer!" he said. Squeak glared at him with inquisitive but calm and seemingly blank eyes. 

"He figured out it was me who taped over his Baywatch Videos!" Then Coop's eyes glared in panic. "He's out to get me!" He stepped forward, and in his bare feet, he happened upon some of the broken glass that was all over the bedroom floor. 

"FUCK!" he said as he hopped over to the bed. Squeak eyed his wound with fixation. Coop worked on the piece of glass as blood seeped from his foot. 

"Damn it to hell," he said to himself. Blood dripped on the floor and on the sheets. "Sorry, dude, I'll clean that up." 

Squeak's eyes widened. The blood was landing in delicious crimson drops on the lamenant tile. His tongue rolled out as Coop picked out the glass and more blood gushed from his wound, finally spewing like a tempting and voluptuous fountain when he managed it out entirely. 

"Oh, I am so sorry, dude," Coop said. Squeak was like a dog slobbering over a juicy steak. He grasped Coop's bleeding foot and tried to suck on it. 

"The fuck!?" Coop yelled and wrenched away from Squeak. Now his eyes were glowing red and his mouth was full of sharp teeth. Coop scrambled to get to his feet, even with the wound and ran out of the room. As he made it outside the house, he ran into Remer. 

"Thank God!" he said. "Bitch has gone crazy! He's trying to make a move on me in there!" 

Remer hissed at him with red eyes and new sharp teeth, as he drew his arms outward dramatically. 

"FFFUCK!" Coop said. Just then a pair of headlights flooded the front yard. Coop saw to his great delight that it was Jenna's car. He ran to it right away and got inside. 

"Floor it now!" he said. 

"What are you talking about, Coop?" she said, but before he could even think to explain, Remer and Squeak were up against the car like wild animals hissing and clawing their way inside. 

She yanked the gears into reverse and sped out of there. 

"What's going on here? What's wrong with Doug and Kenny? Why are they chasing you?" 

Coop made to answer each question as it was posed, but he couldn't get a word in, edge-wise. 

"Jenna, I--" 

"Why were their eyes red like that!?" 

"I'm--" 

"What did they want!?" 

"Jenna, I--" 

"Were they actually trying to kill you!?" 

"SHUT UP!!!!" Coop screamed. Jenna stared at him panic-stricken. "*Thank* you," he said. "All right, it started when the teammates dared me to record my ass on a home video and send it to Ebay..." 

  


  
  
Jenna pulled into her driveway, shaking as she tried to lock up her car and go inside quickly. 

"How the hell was I supposed to know that was his Baywatch video?" Coop continued. "Now he's trying to kill me." She went inside the house and he followed her inside. "I can't figure out Squeak's deal. I guess he really *is* gay or something." 

Coop, will you PLEASE be quiet!" she said harshly. "You can't possibly be THAT stupid!" 

"We all make mistakes, Jenna!" he responded defensively. 

"Not... THAT!" she said. 

"Well, there was that time I found all those pictures his sister's boyfriend took of her naked, and I put them all over the internet--" 

"Of COURSE!" Jenna said. 

"What, the pictures?" Coop asked. Jenna suddenly reached for the book in his hand. 

"Somehow, Doug and Kenny have been turned into vampires," she said showing the book to him. 

"Vampires?" Coop asked. "But that's stupid." 

"It can't be anymore ridiculous than this plot," she reminded him. Coop looked down in thought. 

"True," he said. 

"All right, now I need full details. Tell me anything unusual that might've happened today." 

Coop thought about the way Remer was rubbing his neck when he came through the door the night before everything took place. The way he looked the next morning, and all the commotion in Squeak's room. Then there were the BASEketball Players he killed; the red eyes, teeth, floating... 

"Nothing comes to mind," he said. 

Jenna rubbed her forehead in frustration, rolling her eyes. "I can't believe I actually had sex with you," she mumbled under her breath. 

"What?" 

"N-Nothing. All right, think, Coop. Was there anything even slightly off about Kenny or Doug?" 

Coop thought about it. "Come to think of it," he said, "Remer forgot to brush his teeth this morning." 

"AAAGGGGGGGGE!" Jenna screamed in frustration. 

"They were all red and gross, too." 

Jenna turned around. 

"Especially after he came out of Bitch's room. Then he said that Squeak got, like, sick er something and didn't come to the game. This was all after Remer came home talking about some weird night he had, and had two marks on his neck." 

"That's it!" Jenna said. "Remer must have brought it in. All we have to do is find the one that bit him, kill whatever it was, and everyone will go back to normal." 

"Kill who?" Coop asked. 

"Good question," Jenna pondered. "We're going to have to find out where it is and quickly before Doug infects the entire town!" 

"...No really?" Coop asked. "Who?"

  



	4. BASEketball Nights, prt 4

_This and more can be found at the Trey Parker and Matt Stone Movie Fanfic Website. And yes, this is **my** creation. Check the emails. Google or Yahoo! to find it. I can't post links here. You can also check my profile for the address._

* * *

BASEketball Nights   
Written by Lavonne Eudy 

* * *

Part Four 

"Okay, the first thing we're going to do is try to get Doug to tell us how he found this woman, what she looks like and how we can get her to show up." 

"This isn't funny anymore, Jenna!" Coop said. "Who the hell are you talking about?" 

"The female vampire that infected Doug, you Goddamn num-nut!" 

"Oh." 

"First, we're going to need protection." She made a sudden and hard turn into a Catholic Church parking lot. 

"Jenna, I don't think this is the time or place for that sort of thing. I mean, this is a church, for Chrissakes!" 

"Exactly, Coop," Jenna said. He then looked down and smiled. 

"All right. I'll do anything once." Just then he leaned up to start kissing her and stuffing his hand up her top. 

"Not THAT kind of protection, asshole!" she said. "We need holy water and crosses." 

"Whoa, Whoa!" Coop said backing off. "You aint, like, turning exorcist on me are ya?" 

"Excuse me?" Jenna said. 

"I'm not down with that kinky shit you want to do with crosses. Leave me out." 

"I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT SEX!!!!!" Jenna screamed. "Now come on." She got out and waited for Coop. "Moron!" 

They stole into the church as Jenna signaled for Coop to follow her to the christening pot. She emptied out her bottle of perfume to fill it with holy water. 

"Thank God I finally can get rid of this cheap stuff," she said. 

"But... I gave you that perfume," said Coop. 

"Keep a look out while I'm doing this." Coop nodded and looked at his side. He watched the entire front of the church, keeping a strict hawk's eye on the surroundings. Nothing was going to slip by his observant eye. 

"Might I ask what you're doing, Miss?" a voice from behind Jenna said. She turned to it quickly and saw that Coop was looking in the wrong direction. 

"My friend and I are in need of a little holy water," she said. "Look, it's not much. Just a little bottleful right here." She showed him the bottle. She glanced back toward Coop who was still standing and waiting for any slight difference that should alert him. He was like a cat ready to pounce. 

"Might I inquire as to your use for this?" the priest asked. 

"Well... I.... Coop?" 

"Not now, Jenna, I'm keeping a look out for vampires." 

Jenna rubbed her cheek as her eyes rolled into her head. 

"Vampires, you say?..." 

"Not really--" The priest cut her off. 

"Well, I suggest some garlic, crucifixes and perhaps a nice wooden stake to finish em off. Am I forgetting anything? Those silly movies have so many ways of killing off vampires that one loses track, sometimes." 

"I think you have to, like, cut off their heads," Coop added Jenna shot a miserably frustrated look at him. 

"I know how it must sound," she said, "but it's not for vampires. It's for... A _movie_ about vampires." She put down the bottle. "See, we're shooting a scene where a vampire gets doused with holy water and we just came to get some from your very lovely church right here." 

"This is for a movie?" the priest smiled. 

"Yes," Jenna said shrinking. Lying to a priest inside of the church... How much lower could I sink? 

"Is it possible that you could shoot the scene... with tap water, perhaps?" 

Coop was still on the look-out. 

"He's allergic!" Jenna said quickly. "He can only be sprayed with actual holy water... Because the other kind breaks him out in a rash." 

"I see," the priest said. "But you realize that, biologically, holy water is still the exact same bio-chemical make-up even when it's been blessed, right? If he's allergic to water from the faucet, most certainly he's allergic to holy water as well." 

Jenna looked down. Coop was still standing in the same area watching intently for anything out of the ordinary. "God, Jenna, you sound so fucking stupid," he said. 

"Well, you see, I..." Suddenly Jenna pulled her top open right in front of the priest, and without a bra on that night. 

"My virgin eyes!" the priest screamed. 

Coop shot around. "Oh shit!" he smiled. 

"Run, Coop!" she said. They took off out of the church, holy water and all. 

"Forgive me, Father, for I am about to sin... numerous times," the priest said as he closed himself up into the confessional booth, making sure no one else was around. 

"That was fucking... awesome!" Coop said. "Did you see the look on his face--" 

"Oh my God," Jenna said. "Lying, stealing, *flashing a priest!* All inside of the house of God!" 

"Oh yeah, I got some crosses," Coop said. 

"Let's just get this over with." They headed back to the car and went in the direction that would take them back to Coop's house. 

  



	5. BASEketball Nights, prt 5

_This and more can be found at the Trey Parker and Matt Stone Movie Fanfic Website. And yes, this is **my** creation. Check the emails. Google or Yahoo! to find it. I can't post links here. You can also check my profile for the address._

* * *

BASEketball Nights   
Written by Lavonne Eudy 

* * *

Part Five   
The house was eerily quiet. Jenna and Coop eased out of the car and sneaked around to the back. 

"All right when I give the signal, you jump and grab which ever one we come across first." 

"Okay," Coop said. "Wait... What kind of signal?" 

"Any signal I give," Jenna said. 

"But what if I think you're giving me a signal and I jump when you don't want me to?" 

From behind them while they were arguing were Remer and Squeak. 

"Damn it, Coop, you'll know what signal I'm giving you!" 

"Is this, like, the quote-unquote 'signals' you chicks claim to give but we end up taking the wrong way, anyway? Or is this more easy to recognize?" 

"I will say, 'now,' all right?" 

"Say what, now?" 

"No! That's the signal! It's now!" 

"Do it now?" Coop asked. 

"NO! I will say the *word*: 'now'!" 

"What word?" 

"If you see Remer and Squeak at all, just hit one of them!" 

"Oh. Okay." 

Jenna looked through the window. "I think I see one of them. All right, one... two... three--" Just then Remer grabbed Jenna. Before Coop could notice it, Squeak had a hold on Coop. Then they collided their heads against the house. Both fell unconscious to the ground.

"Wakie, wakie, hands off snakee," said a voice from beyond. Coop shook his head as his eyes slowly opened to a pounding headache and blurred vision. It took a moment, but he realized that he was tied to a chair and Jenna was right beside of him. When he looked up, he saw Squeak and Remer standing over him, smiling with their sharp teeth and red eyes. 

Ascertaining that he was in trouble, Coop cleared his throat and said, "Look, all right I didn't know that was your Baywatch tape. I tried to find the collection--" 

"Shut up, you mortal loser!" Remer said. "What's the deal with the holy water?" Coop looked at Jenna who was starting to rouse. 

"That was all her, dude, I had nothing to do with it!" 

"What!" she said. 

Squeak then spoke up: "If that's true, then why'd we find these crucifixes on you?" he said holding it between hot dog tongs. 

Coop smiled sheepishly. 

"Not that I'm ungrateful... but why haven't you killed us yet?" Jenna asked. 

"Oh, we're going to, totally. But first, we thought you might want to have a choice." 

"You see," Squeak added, "we've found that being a vampire isn't half-bad. Sure, you can't be in sunlight, have to sleep in coffins, and all you eat from now on is blood, but you have to see past all of that." 

"Because the rest of it," interjected Remer, "is sweet, sweet, sweet!" 

"You're sick!" Jenna cried. 

"I'm listening," Coop said. Jenna shot her eyes right to him. 

"Well, first of all: there's the flying part--" 

"Dude, you can fly!" Coop said. 

"I can hear people's thoughts; see a sign clearly from three miles away; hear a whisper from a telephone receiver thirty yards away. It's the coolest thing! Not to mention--" 

"This is crazy!" Jenna cried. "You're a monster, Satan's minion--" 

"Jenna, do you mind!" Coop said. "I'm trying to listen to this." 

"Yeah, you're being totally rude," Remer said. 

Coop looked back at Remer. "Go on," he said. 

"All right, what was I saying--Oh yeah. Not to mention you can live for, like, ever!" 

"Oh, cool!" Coop smiled. "Wait--how do you know?" 

Remer's brows lowered in thought. Squeak took this one. "Well, the way we look at it is, we're already dead. And we're still moving around, walking, talking. We have to live forever like this, cuz we can't get anymore dead than this." 

"That makes sense," Remer said. 

"I've heard enough. I'm in, dude." 

"WHAT?!" Jenna said. 

"Look, this is my decision. The least you could do, if you're not going to support me, is to be quiet about it." 

"Coop, you can't be serious!" 

"Why not? This sounds really cool. I have the right to become a vampire if I want to." 

"Coop, I forbid you to do this!" 

Squeak came up and flicked his hand in the air, going, "Whoo-keesh!" like the crack a whip makes. 

"You don't tell me what to do, bitch!" Coop said when his dignity came into question. 

Jenna's jaw dropped in shock. "That's it, Coop, we're through!" 

"Fine!" Coop said. "I'll find another chick, anyways, once I become so cool and darkly irresistible." 

Remer smiled and nodded as he untied Coop. When he was free, Remer lead him to another room. 

"I can't watch this," Jenna said turning the other way. 

She heard the door shut behind him and opened her eyes. Squeak was smiling at her. 

"You know, you're still hot for a mortal chick." 

"Uh... Thhhhanks," she said. 

"I was thinking, since you and Coop aren't an item anymore, I was wondering if--" 

"Not even if we were the last two people on Earth, Kenny," Jenna said quickly. 

Squeak turned away mouthing the word, "Damn it," to himself. Remer came back, wiping the blood from his lips. 

"Coop's resting," he said. 

"This is insane!" Jenna said. "You two are going down! I swear it on everything I own!" 

"Dude, let me bite her," Squeak said. Remer held him back. 

"Now, now. We promised we would give them a choice." 

"I've already made up my mind!" Jenna said. "I would rather eat pimento loaf!" 

Remer and Squeak pulled back instantly. "Eeeewe!" they said. 

"Look, it's either this ..." Remer said as he began to float through the room, "or we could kill you and you die a normal, honorable death." Then he returned to the ground. "And I wouldn't want to die, right now, if I were you. Not after the little church fiasco, earlier." 

Jenna's eyes widened. "How'd you?..." 

Remer tapped his head. 

"All right!" she said. "I'll do it." 

When Squeak and Remer left the room where Coop and Jenna were sleeping, they looked at each other. "Ya know," said Squeak, "this could be global." 

"How so?" 

"Why not just populate the world, make them all like us. A super human race that can fly, read minds, see and hear with amazing accuracy, and just live off of blood." 

"Hmm, I like where this is going," Remer said.

  



	6. BASEketball Nights, prt 6

_This and more can be found at the Trey Parker and Matt Stone Movie Fanfic Website. And yes, this is **my** creation. Check the emails. Google or Yahoo! to find it. I can't post links here. You can also check my profile for the address._

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BASEketball Nights   
Written by Lavonne Eudy 

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Part Six   


300 YEARS LATER... 

"Bob Hoskas here, for the 300th annual Denslow Cup Championship game. With me as always, is Dave." 

"Good evening everyone, and might I say, a beautiful clear night it is." 

"Right you are, Dave." Each had glowing red eyes and sharp teeth. 

The coliseum was filling up. 

"Vampire or Mortal?" asked the seating attendant. 

"Vampire," said the person being seated. Just then he was scanned with something. 

"Yeah, he's a vamp," he said when he finished. "Row fourteen." Just then his scanner went off. 

"There's a mortal here," he said as he scanned the area around him. Eyes glowed even hotter upon the mention of a human nearby. Their teeth elongated with hunger. 

"There he is!" Just then the man who was discovered jumped to his feet and took off. But he was mobbed in no time. 

"A-positive. B. Get em while they're hot," said a vender. Someone pointed a finger out. He was tossed a steaming bag. 

"I'll have an 0 if ya got em," said another. He was tossed a bag. Jenna sat in the audience, smiling, her teeth glaring white and long. "Isn't this exciting?" she said. 

Billy, who was now grown, returned a set of red eyes attending to her words. 

"I hope The Beers win tonight," he said. 

Coop was up first. He bounced the ball and stared at the basket. Then he looked right at the opponent in front of him for the psyche-out and looked hard into his eyes. 

"Time!" said the player. A ref joined him. 

"He's trying to read my mind!" 

"Was not!" Coop said. 

"Penalty!" said the referee. 

"Damn it," said Coop. 

Back in the announcer room... 

"It looks like Coop Cooper has already landed a penalty for illegal mind-reading. A practice that became forbidden in the rule book 200 years ago because it was making the play far too easy for this already overly-simple game." 

Coop went back to the dug-out. "Dude, what were you thinking?" said Remer. "You knew that the ref was going to bust you." 

"I can't help it." 

"Well stop it!" 

"Don't worry, dude. We're going to own this game tonight." 

  


  
  
"This, fucking sucks," Coop said as he was walking out of the stadium. 

"Well, we wouldn't have blown it if you hadn't went after that bird. That dude wouldn't have gotten the fucking shot!" 

"I can't help it, dude, I'm starving. I haven't had a person all day long. There's nothing around here but other vampires. I think we're running out of food." 

Just then Squeak caught up. "I heard that on the news. We _are_ running out of food here. All the mortals have been turned into vampires." 

"What the fuck are we supposed to eat now?" Then they ran into Jenna who was sympathetic about their loss. 

"Well, when we run out of humans, we could try eating animals, next." 

"Yeah, but then what?" Remer said. "We're all totally immortal now. Eventually we'll run out of animals to eat." 

"Then we'll probably go insane for blood and eat each other." 

Remer stared off. "That's fucked up." 

"I'm not doing that," Jenna said. "I won't do that. I'm sure we'll think of something before it comes to that." 

"I'm with her," Squeak said. "It sucks, but we can't die at all. Even if we don't drink blood." 

"Yeah?" said Coop. "Well fuck that. I'm starving!" He flew up quickly and caught a pigeon in mid-air. When he came down with it, the others looked at him, then lunged for his bird with long teeth and burning eyes. 

  



	7. BASEketball Nights, prt 7

_This and more can be found at the Trey Parker and Matt Stone Movie Fanfic Website. And yes, this is **my** creation. Check the emails. Google or Yahoo! to find it. I can't post links here. You can also check my profile for the address._

* * *

BASEketball Nights   
Written by Lavonne Eudy 

* * *

Part Seven ANOTHER 200 YEARS LATER... 

"...In other news, research for the generic blood being produced that is said to replenish itself has had some side effects that the Government is investigating now. It turns out that the ingestion of the blood may cause stomach rupturing due to the self-replenishing method that it was given. Scientists are trying to resolve the matter now." 

Coop turned off the television. "Being immortal fucking sucks," he said. "What good is living forever if we're just going to be miserable?" 

"I'm still trying to figure out how to die. I didn't know that the sun didn't kill us. It just makes us sleepy." 

"And holy water had no kind of effect on us at all. But you know what, it's really great for baths." 

"Oh yeah?" said Remer. "I didn't know that." 

"Just add some baby oil, a little green tea extract and you get a smooth and refreshing bath without that stiffening later on." 

"I'll try that," Remer said. 

"Sooooooooo hungry...," said Squeak from the other side of the room. 

"Oh, shut up, bitch!" Remer said. "We get the fucking idea, all right! I'm sick of hearing you whining all the--" he had slammed his fist down and onto the nail that had stuck out of the sofa for five years. He saw that he was bleeding, then. 

"Fuck!" he said and started sucking on the wound to make it stop bleeding. Squeak stared at him with red-hot eyes, licking his lips. Remer caught this look and said, "Nuh uh. No way! Get away from me, bitch!" 

Squeak pounced. 

"Dude, what the fuck're you doing!" Coop yelled, jumping away from the couch. Finally, Remer's struggles ceased. Squeak arose full and satisfied. 

"Hm... Not as good as mortal blood, but not bad." 

"I don't believe it... You killed him!" Coop said. "You... actually killed him..." 

Then he smiled. "Do me! My turn!" Just then Jenna came into the room. 

"What are you doing, Kenny!" she said. When Squeak pulled away, some blood trickled down his lips. 

"Save some for me!" 

  


  
  
2000 YEARS LATER... 

The world was lonely and desolate. A landscape of solitude and nothingness. Winds whipped through the thin branches of trees that fed off of the waste matter that was left from the once populated Earth full of human life and joy. Now it was a vast cemetery. No living thing, human, animal, even vampire existed. Once the humans were consumed and the vampires multiplied, the animals were sought after. After that resource drained, the vampires all turned to each other. Now nothing but the dirt remained of this once rich and beautiful world. 

Suddenly, the silence of the environment was disrupted by the sounds of foot steps. A living being?... 

Now there were two. 

Jenna was wandering through the ghostly remnants of a past world. From thirty yards away, she saw another person. She ran up to whoever it was, and upon coming close enough, she saw that it was actually Squeak. 

"Looking him up and down, she took a breath and said: 

"I'm still not going to fuck you." 

THE END

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The writer of this story does not receive monetary gain from its distribution, and is not affiliated with Universal Studios or its subsidiaries. 

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